Posts Tagged ‘winning’

Dear Lance Armstrong…

Friday, January 18th, 2013

Lance Armstrong was apparently prepared to do anything to win, including blood and plasma transfusions, injections of human growth hormone testosterone and calf’s blood. I don’t get it. Honestly. What’s so great about winning?

Reasons winning is overrated:

1. People don’t like winners (look what it did to Charlie Sheen). We like losers. ie. June Shannon (Honey Boo Boo’s mom). No denying she’s a total loser, and guess what? I LOVE HER! The term “lovable loser” exists because losers are, in fact, lovable. Not like prick-faced Lance Armstrong. He’s so unlikeable, he should play a Republican in a movie.

2. Losers make average people feel better about themselves. Why do you think I continue to be friends with like 15% of my Facebook friends? (not you, whoever is reading this, you’re awesome).

3. When you win all the time, people expect you to continue winning, which puts pressure on you to win, which leads to stress, and as we all know, stress is where wrinkles come from and fuck it, I’d rather be a 45-year-old loser who still gets carded at bars than a raisin-faced winner.

So here’s my advice to Lance… go out there and do some solid LOSING for awhile!

Dear Charlie Sheen…

Tuesday, November 8th, 2011

I’m rooting for Charlie Sheen to get his shit together, I really am.  Certainly texts along these lines aren’t a good sign:


He may have ditched the cocaine and the goddesses and the tiger blood, but he’s cavorting with something even more dangerous to his career: Tara Reid.  In the dictionary next to the word “trainwreck” you’ll find a picture of a railroad accident, then you’ll actually notice that you’ve spelled it wrong and it’s two words.  If there’s a letter (b) in the dictionary entry there’s gonna be a picture of Patrick Monahan and his band mates getting drunk.  The point of this story is that if I were writing the dictionary Tara Reid would be at the top of that list.  Oh and also, I’d only use pictures in my dictionary.  You know why?  Cuz screw words, that’s why.

Moral of this terribly told story: ix-nay on the ara-Tay, Charlie.  She is not WINNING.