Posts Tagged ‘herpes’

RIP Amy Winehouse…

Monday, July 25th, 2011

Ugh.  How sad, right?  And also… ironic.  It’s like if Bret Michaels died from a rose thorn. Or Katy Perry caught a fatal case of herpes from kissing a girl.  Yeah, just like that.

Dear Andy Dick…

Monday, May 16th, 2011

Comedian Andy Dick is being sued by an audience member for shoving his penis into his face, grinding on his head and using his hand to forcefully smack his bare genitals across his left cheek. Wow. Do people have like NO sense of humor anymore? Talk about a party pooper!  Listen Mr. Wet Blanket, you’re the one who bought tickets to an Andy Dick show… now sit down, quit your whining, and enjoy your free teabagging from a drunken bisexual maniac with a history of erratic behavior and sexual assault!

PS. You might want to get checked out for facial gonorrhea, head syphilis and cheek herpes.


Dear Kim Cattrall…

Thursday, March 31st, 2011

Kim Cattrall has a new movie out called Meet Monica Velour which stars a bunch of people you’ve never heard of and will probably go straight to DVD which means no one will ever see it because seriously, who watches DVDs anymore?  My mom doesn’t know how to attach a picture to an email, yet even she is streaming Netflix movies these days. FACT*: more DVDs are currently being used as coasters than as actual entertainment. You used to be able to say “keep an eye out for this one in a DVD Bargain Bin near you!” but there are no more Blockbusters so there are no more DVD Bargain Bins so what becomes of a movie destined for DVD Bargain Bin-dom? Will it just disappear? Will literally zero people ever see Meet Monica Velour as well as and every Hilary Duff movie? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Knowing that this film will clearly die at the box office, Kim channeled the public relations mastery of Samantha Jones and managed to make some news for herself and her probably-shoulda-been-on-Lifetime movie: she got trashed and lashed out at a couple of perfectly nice reporters at the premiere last night.  Next thing you know, she’s the top story on a bunch of blogs and worthless entertainment sites (see my blogroll!) and people are actually talking about this dookie of a flick she’s in.  Well played!

PS. Obviously I don’t really have herpes.  That was a joke because I’m a comedian.  It’s usually considered bad form to add a footnote like this to a joke but I just want to make it 100% clear here that I’m herpes-free!  Soooo, ok, I think I’m done.  Oh and I’ve also never had vaginal rejuvenation.  Or have I????

* By “fact” I mean “something I made up that seems like it could be factual.”