Posts Tagged ‘movie’

Dear John Carter…

Tuesday, March 20th, 2012

People are making a big ol fuss about the fact that Disney’s John Carter bombed at a historic level, resulting in a loss for Disney of $200 million. Well listen Disney, we don’t feel bad for you. You guys are making some stupid ass shit these days so maybe this will teach you all a lesson. What happened to The Little Mermaid?! That little red-haired hussy was a wild child with big knockers and fun sea animals for buddies… give us more of her! Or Beauty and the Beast… another classic Disney hit… Belle was smokin and she could even read books (wowsers!), and I don’t think I’d even know what a douchebag was if I didn’t grow up hating that a-hole Gaston. So quit it with the John Carter bullshit, Americans want sexy cartoon cute chicks with amazing flowy hair. The end. And you’re welcome.

And for the record, the only John Carter I want in my life is this one.

Dear Daniel Radcliffe…

Monday, July 18th, 2011

Oh Harry Potter, we hardly knew ya!

No literally, I have no point of reference for any Harry Potter jokes because I haven’t read the books or watched the movies and HALLELUJAH! the day has finally come when the rest of the world can shut the F up about it all.  I get it, it’s like wizards and witches and goblets and and shit.  I think I’m good on all that.

Harry Potter fanatics are to me, what I am to vegetarians.  They really want me to just give the movies a shot because they just “know I’m gonna love it!!”  And I really want to stuff a few chicken wings down the throat of some of my friends because I can’t believe they’re voluntarily missing out on something so amazing.  The difference here is this:  chicken wings are delicious and Harry Potter is a kids movie about witches.  Chicken wings can be dipped in blue cheese dressing, which is also awesome, and thereby makes the whole combo insanely awesome.  Harry Potter is about some kids who fly on broomsticks (is it? I’m just guessing here).  Chicken wings will go on FOREVER.  As of yesterday, Harry Potter is DONE.

Once again in life, chicken wings win!!!!